The Crim Dell Conspiracy

Ok, so I’m sure you’ve all seen the fliers by now and if not, my apologies….they are cool. Moving along, I want to talk about something that is very important to me but does not receive the news coverage it needs. I am talking of course, about the Crim Dell conspiracy.

I have been going to this college for three years and I always thought there was something strange about this piece of nature, but I didn’t think it was very serious. That was until I began to see certain animals coming from the water. After observing this a few times, and then comparing stories with friends, I realized there is some massive experimentation going on here. For instance, one lovely Saturday morning, I was strolling along campus with a friend, when we noticed a turtle walking from the crim dell into the woods. Now on any other occasion, this scene may have appeared picturesque. But, I feel I should give you a little back story on this particular turtle.

About a year ago, I (as well as numerous others) assumed that a turtle sitting on the plaque outside the crim dell, was just part of the decoration. It stood so still I thought it was a metal fixture. Day after day I walked by, the smelly crim dell, with the decorative turtle. Then one day, one average day, my friends and I walked past the Crim dell and the turtle jumped into the water! We were shocked, considering for a year, we thought the turtle was fake. Although this was strange, we never gave it much thought. We continued our daily walks past the crim dell, with the absence of the turtle.

Now, let’s go back to the day we saw the turtle in the woods. Now, I’m not sure it was the same turtle, but nevertheless, it came out of the Crim Dell, and it looked like a mutated turtle. Everything about its appearance said turtle, except for one thing….the tail. Its tail was about three feet long, and closely resembled that of a dinosaur’s tail. Not only was the tail strange, but so were the movements of the turtle. It was quickly pacing into the woods and everyone knows turtles don’t do anything quickly. The turtle isn’t the only strange creature to come out of the crim dell. There have been reports of long snakes, thicker than the average arm. There have also been cases of thick caterpillars (in the winter!) walking around with brown, very visible facial features. And of course, there are the giant fish, who can mysteriously survive in this water.

Ok, now that I have delivered a very lengthy story, I’ll get to the conspiracy part. Plain and simple, science students are experimenting and creating new life forms in the crim dell. Don’t believe me, look at these coincidences:

1) The disgusting smell reeks of chemicals

2) Its right across the street from Rogers

3) There is now way any living creature could survive the Crim Dell (unless, scientists are chemically testing the creatures)

Ok, so here’s the theory why. Certain science majors (and professors) are really interested in the idea of evolution and mutants. Don’t believe me, go on the second floor of Rogers. There’s a bulletin board of professors and majors as their favorite X- Men characters. Also, I happened to know a chem – major , who would really enjoy that kind of experimentation, given the chance.

So, the next time you’re walking past the crim dell, just keep this story in mind. Stay safe, and if you can, outrun the turtle. (and then you should probably contact animal control)



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